Straight To The Bottom
U-571

Submarines, brave Americans, torpedoes, explosions, depth charges, more torpedoes and people shooting each other over possession of World War Two's most closely guarded secret. What more could anyone want? MMM, did someone say "Plot?" Shall I ignore that person up the back shouting "common sense?" The makers of U571 would undoubtedly be very happy if I did because they obviously want their audience to see their film as a straight out roller coaster ride of action, action and more action. Sadly in achieving this, common sense, historical accuracy and just about everything else has been thrown out the window. Or should I say porthole?

Late 1942. The Third Reich's submarine force is sinking allied cargo vessels supplying Britain with food and weapons faster than allied shipyards can replace them. Basically, Hitler and his cronies are winning. The Enigma code machine allows the German high command to control their Wolfpacks of submarines in complete secrecy meaning that Allied convoys are being slaughtered like flocks of sheep. If the Allies can break the German code, their convoys can be routed around the subs and escape. Easy. All they need is an Enigma machine.

So far everything here is good history.

Enter Hollywood where history exists to be improved.

A German sub the U-571 has been disabled mid-Atlantic. Cunning American plotters disguise an American submarine as the German relief sub. Their plan? To take the German sub by force, and take the Enigma machine. Horrors! Everything fucks up! A skeleton crew of brave Americans must escape in the U-571 and get the Enigma machine back to Allied HQ! Action in the form of things blowing up, falling over and sinking then ensues. Every single submarine cliche from every film about submarines ever made is then served up, slightly warmed over with state of the art digital efects and dolby surround sound. But does it work?

Not really. The characters are without exception blandly acted cardboard cliches mouthing platitudes that anyone who owns a television has seen done before and better. Continuity errors abound such as "The port engine is broken!" (Cut to exterior shot showing port engine working fine) and lapses of scientific logic such as opening torpedo hatches far too deep for anything approaching safety. All this aside, you would have to be one of the actor's mothers to really give a toss whether any of the characters lived or died and be blind drunk to feel any suspense over whether the good guys would win at the end or not. As a mindless action film U-571 suceeds. It has action. It is mindless. If that is what you want in an evenings entertainment you won't be particularly irritated.

If on the other hand you want historical accuracy and commonsense in your submarine films you can either rent "The Cruel Sea" or Wolfgang Peterson's magnificent "Das Boot." Both are far better films and both get their facts right.

www.uboat.net an almost perfect website)

The 571's keel was laid 8 Jun, 1940 at Blohm & Voss, Hamburg.
She was commissioned 22 May, 1941.

Commanded by:

• Kptlt. Helmut Möhlmann (Knights Cross)
• Kptlt. Helmut Möhlmann
• Oblt. Gustav Lüssow

...and she was sunk 28 Jan, 1944 west of Ireland, in position 52.41N, 14.27W, by depth charges from an Australian Sunderland aircraft (RAAF-Sqdn 461/D). 52 dead (all hands lost).

Why has this humble reviewer gone and put all these facts here you ask? Especially when he is already way over length and way past his bedtime?

For one simple reason. The one thing that irritated me the most about this film and about Gladiator (reviewed elsewhere on this site) Why bugger up history?

If you are going to make a *completely fictional* film about WW2, why fuck over the memories of REAL DEAD PEOPLE? This film represents the real crew of U-571 as crazed Nazi's who machine gun lifeboats. It then has them die in the wrong place two years early in the wrong way. Couldn't the brains behind this project come up with a different number for the boat? Say, U-1999 or U-2100? Hell, why not U-Sydney 2000? Then again, I've seen their film and the answer is that they probably can't count that high.

Rating: Barely Adequate

What's good about it? An apparently REAL submarine and some fine special effects.

Last word: Leave your brain and most of your sensibilities at the door.

(c)opyright Alex Rieneck, 2000.